Smutty emails could get your heaving bosom tossed out the door

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts there's this guy at my work who drives me crazy with suggestive comments made on email. It's become a game and I've sent him some scorchers myself. The subject lines are always business-like, but the text is wild and crazy. We thought we were getting away with this until copies of some of these embarrassing exchanges arrived in both of our mailboxes one morning. We don't know who sent them or what this means, and we don't know what to do. What does this mean -- blackmail? -- A Little Scared

Dear Scared: There was no blackmail note so you've probably received a warning from the person in the building whose job is to check for people abusing the Internet system. Take your envelope of red-hot emails and shred the evidence. Advise your friend to do the same and wipe out all the special ones you may have stored. (you know you did!). Then cease and desist... If you continue, it's likely you will be hauled in and possibly fired. This person may or may not have advised your superiors. It's likely he or she is giving you one chance to clean up your act before reporting you, because the message copies were returned to you anonymously. You may have been lucky.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm embarrassed and feeling uncomfortable in my own house. I share a large three-storey house with a number of people and came home extremely tired from a holiday flight. Frankly, I had taken some Gravols on the flight home -- too many. I came home by taxi very late and climbed the steps half-asleep and stopped at the place where my bedroom would be, only one floor down. I walked in the room, not turning on the light, took off my clothes, opened the blankets and got in. I heard a yell in a man's voice and realized I was in bed with a guy. I yelled "Get out of my bed, you $#%*!" and he yelled "No, you get out of MY bed." Then I recognized his voice and realized I was in one of my housemates' rooms by mistake. I told him my story but he doesn't appear to have believed it entirely, and is barely speaking. How else can I let him know I wasn't making a gay advance towards him? -- Feel Like an Idiot

Dear Idiot: Tell everyone in the house if they don't already know, so it isn't an uncomfortable secret between you and the other guy. Let everybody laugh about it, and YOU be the one to take the ribbing. If anyone starts to tease him say, "No, this was entirely my mistake." If you are able to openly joke about it, and even say "I'm sorry, man, I know I shocked you" in front of the rest, he will start to see it was truly a mistake and not something that's being passed off as a mistake. Then he can relax again. And lay off the Gravol, pal. Take the adult dose if you get airsick, but don't use it to knock yourself out on a flight. Overdosing on any drug is foolish and dangerous, and look where it got you.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com